Brothers and sisters, let us gather together once again for
the holiday that brings us all together, Festivus. The hallowed tradition of
the Airing of Grievances connects us all in our mutual annoyance of all things
annoying. Place a solemn gloved hand on a pole, and let us begin.
Toilet paper rolls with one remaining square. Nothing ruins
the sacred grounds of trust more than a previous user failing to replace the
role of toilet paper.
One headlight out. The dashboard of a car is filled with
useless lights and warnings. I can readily see that my seatbelt is not
fastened, I don’t need a flashing cartoon reminder accompanied by a loud ding.
The ‘Check Engine’ light is too generic to be of any use. What I can’t readily
see from behind the wheel of the car is that one headlight is out, causing a
whole host of perilous dangers. We can put a man on the moon, but can’t develop
a dashboard notification of a Popeye.
George RR Martin has yet to finish the final two books of
his series, A Song of Ice and Fire. He’s procrastinated for over two decades,
pumping out other novels, a daily blog, essays, and granting interviews.
Instead of just sitting down to focus on finishing what I want, he just does
what he wants. The audacity of being an independent human being.
Drivers who drive too slowly when the roads are dry and
weather’s awesome. Look buddy, I know you’re out on a scenic drive, but this
two-lane highway is a conduit for people who have somewhere to be and we don’t
all have the luxury of going 35 in a 60 zone. That’s what the back roads are
for. Take that whimsical drive over to the back road.
Drivers who drive too fast when the roads are nasty and the
weather’s thick. Look buddy, I know the speed limit is 60, but there’s people
driving around with one headlight out and nobody can see more than ten feet in
front of the car. Slow your roll to 35, and let’s try to live until Georgie-boy
cranks out the final two novels of A Song of Ice and Fire.
Brimmed hats indoors on someone’s head. Do they need a
‘check engine’ light on the brim to remind them to remove their hat? Or should
I just make a ding noise next to them until said hat is removed?
Speaking of hats – outdoor lights with no lamp shade. The
light just spills out all over the place, lighting up other neighbor’s windows
and copious amounts of sky. Can you afford to light the whole neighborhood?
Nobody wants your extra light.
Vacuums with bagless canisters and hinged openings on both
the top and bottom. Having two hinged openings on one bagless cannister opens
up a whole dusty bin of opportunity for failure of multiple hinges. Nothing
aggrieves me more than a dust bin unexpectedly opening from the bottom to
release all the dirty contents on a freshly vacuumed floor.
Happy Festivus!
This article originally appeared in the Methow Valley News,
11 December 2019
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